image credit: Luminous Light Studio
Unless you are experiencing infertility yourself, you can’t possibly understand its pain. No matter how much your heart breaks for us. You have to live it to get the hell that is infertility.
But there is actually something darker. Something sadder, harder, blacker, more unbearable.
Sometimes, just as you think you can finally glimpse the sun peeking through the darkest forest, you lose your footing and tumble into the blackest hole. To a special section of hell so awful that it forces you to redefine the term.
Ectopic pregnancy. Miscarriage. Stillbirth. SIDS or other infancy loss. Whatever the cause or the timing, the unthinkable has happened… your baby is gone.
How in the world do you possibly go on?
October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month (October 15th is PILA Day) and since infertility patients often suffer these unimaginable losses along their journeys, it’s important to acknowledge the pain and provide some resources to help the suffering try to cope. Like infertility itself, unless you’ve lived it, you can’t relate.
Here are some places where those who have suffered a loss, and those who love them, can start:
Project Heal I cannot say enough about this Baby Loss Community support group, available online and through Facebook. The moderator, Carlymarie, suffered the loss of her son, Christian. She helps people cope (and they help her in return) through photography, writing, beach art, short films, and many other therapeutic ways and projects. She is hosting a month-long “Capture Your Grief” event throughout October in honor of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Here is a blurb from the Capture Your Grief 2017 project:
“…There are 31 acts, one for each day in the month of October. You are invited to perform each act and share a photo, artwork, video or written word that captures your own journey. Capture Your Grief is about becoming more present and conscious in your grief experience so that you may learn more about yourself and hopefully discover more ways of healing…You can join the project at any time of the month and there is no pressure to take part every single day. This year, I am inviting you to create a legacy of loving kindness in memory of your baby/child/love ones. The theme is “Their Light Shines On”.
Her site, which provides all the details, is a “must visit” for anyone who knows someone or who has themselves suffered a loss.
Luminous Light StudioIn addition, consider visiting this site or Facebook page where another artist and bereaved mother, offers support and beautiful artwork. Her history of secondary infertility, miscarriage, and the loss of her son, Silas, inspires her work. She is the creator of the beautiful image that accompanies this blog post.
Still Standing Magazine This online magazine is exclusively related to “Surviving Child Loss and Infertility”. You can navigate your way through subjects like: Grief, Infertility, Parenting after Loss, Faith, Siblings’ Grief, Pregnancy after Loss, and more. Everything is written by someone who has somehow survived and is “still standing”.
Molly Bears This venture was started by an angel mom to comfort other families who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss by creating and sharing the gift of a weighted handmade bear. Recipients of these custom-made keepsakes may find some measure of comfort in having something soft to hold which can be made to order at the specific weight of the infant that was born sleeping or who passed shortly thereafter. Loved ones who are looking to do something for a grieving couple to acknowledge their loss and pain can inquire about a Molly Bear. This organization was started by a woman who was given a 3-pound weighted teddy bear by a good friend after her daughter, Molly, was stillborn at 34 weeks. After weeks of sleepless nights, she found great comfort in holding the bear which she altered to Molly’s exact birth weight. For more information on volunteering, donating, or ordering see the site above.
Infertility/Infant Loss Jewelry and other Tangibles*: There are several sites that offer hand-made and/or customized jewelry, memory items, prints, and other things especially for those who are suffering infertility or from pregnancy or infant loss. Some people who have suffered a loss may find comfort in wearing a piece of jewelry or having an item that commemorates or acknowledges that lost life. Here is a sampling of such sites:
https://www.etsy.com/market/baby_loss_comfort
http://www.pregnancyandinfantlosskeepsakes.com/store/Default.asp
http://www.etsy.com/shop/bugaboojewelry
https://www.etsy.com/shop/HBWforaMiracle?ref=hdr_shop_menu
http://www.myforeverchild.com/
Professional Counseling Sometimes, a professional therapist is the best option to help you after such an unbearable loss. The Long Island IVF Mind-Body Program has a dedicated and supportive psychologist uniquely-qualified to support you through infertility and pregnancy and infant loss.
We also offer Free Reiki and Guided Fertility Meditation sessions throughout the year to help with stress reduction (one is going on now every Monday night in October: 2, 9, 16, 23, 30, 2017) Register here. All are welcome, no need to be a patient, but spots are limited so reserve yours soon.
Some parents may find comfort in creating a memorial or tribute for their lost child in the form of planting a tree, a memorial public or private garden, a scholarship fund, a charity foundation, and any number of other positive and beneficial acts. It is never too late to memorialize your baby when and if the time feels right. These resources are offered merely as starting points for consideration in finding help and support in the processing of unspeakable grief and loss.
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If you have suffered from pregnancy or infant loss, do you have any advice to share or any resources to recommend to help others?
* Long Island IVF has no affiliation with any of these jewelry or other merchandise sites and offers them for informational purposes only. Use your own discretion when considering making any purchase.
